It’s almost the end of October, and I have no idea what’s going on anymore.
The blog has clearly been neglected. Since my last post, a lot of nothing has happened. Yes, I’ve added to my Etsy shop, and I’ve even made two sales(!); but aside from that, I’ve felt honestly like I’m stuck in unending quicksand.
August was FULL of cool ideas for the future. Beekeeping, vegetable farming, renting a plot in a community garden to try new stuff that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to try in my own yard due to HOA restrictions, herbalism, and I’m sure a couple others. So the ideas flowed in, but none of them were things I could begin then, other than herbalism courses.
I did sign up for an introductory course at the online Herbal Academy, and I have until March to complete that one. I also just signed up for their natural perfumery course, which will also have six months to complete it, once I begin. Beekeeping is an extremely long term idea. It requires real knowledge, the right location, and more than anything else, time. So even starting that in the late winter, it would be a whole year of trial and error, which is fine, but not lucrative. Vegetable farming will require a fuckton of sun, and fabulous soil quality — also long term. I’m trying to find something I’m passionate about to fill my cup, but also my pocket.
Fast forward to late September, my trip to Florida was a bust because of familial drama, so after having endured the stress of that, I was immediately thrust back into unnecessary work drama. Completely unnecessary, and felt by all of us. It wasn’t like I was the only one bitching, we all were. Everyone remarked on how ridiculous this fall is in comparison to all previous.
So compile all of that from August and September, add in the fiasco of the Colorado trip in July, and now throw in the fact that we’re now on the same page that we want to move. That’s right! We’re house hunting! This should be exciting, and a period full of hope and passion for the future. We’ve seen two houses, one in a speck of a town in the middle of nowhere, with beautiful 1870’s charm in amazing condition, and another just in the middle of nowhere, an 1830’s charmer, with 2 acres of woods and a little garden pond. The second one was almost perfect, almost exactly what we wanted. So almost-perfect, in fact, that we called our agents and started the ball rolling to possibly submit an offer. Which brings me to why I’m suddenly writing a blog post — I’ve been panicking about it since 4pm. It is now almost midnight.
Why would I panic about finding our dream property? I don’t know. It’s actually freaking me out. Is it the prospect of being 15 miles out from civilization? The fact that we’d have to trade in two cars to get a big 4-wheel-drive something? Is it the fear of all of the unknowns? The fact that there’s well water, a septic tank, and propane heat? The fact that I absolutely hate moving? Could it be because I’m just not mentally ready? (I wasn’t planning on moving for another 6-7 years, even though I’ve wanted to move for a while. But with the S/O’s business, our location and setup is convenient, and moving all of it is a HUGE pain. Now finding out, too, that cable and internet out there is scarce, kind of makes us rethink that all anyway.) I’m sad to leave my gardens before they mature, and before I get a chance to see what I planted this year, and the fact that a couple of those plants are the first plants I’ve ever planted. Whether we like it or not, the little patch of land we have is where I really found my love of the earth, where I gained a lot of the knowledge I have now, and where I plan for the future. To garden is to believe in tomorrow. I guess I have all these sequences that would be completely disrupted if we were to move now. And with the change of the seasons, all the plants would be in frozen ground by the time we left. It’s really heartbreaking for me to leave it all.
If there were no neighbor drama, we’d be fine to stay there. But there is. And I can’t put a fence up. And we live at a dead end, so we have to pass all the people we no longer like on the way in and out. It’s no longer peaceful or enjoyable to live where we live. But I’m still not ready to leave. I need to know why, and I want to know why the thought of actually leaving induces panic. It’s really frustrating to feel like this and have no solid reason for why. Plus, I think I really put the man off by having such a strong emotional response to it. He really loved the house, and when I asked him if he’d really be willing to pack up and go to that house right NOW, he said yes. This is only the second thing we’ve looked at, and I don’t want to rush into such a big change of life. I don’t want to regret it. Usually he’s the one who second guesses, and checks things over and over again. Now it feels like we’ve changed roles, and I’m stifling his excitement. So then there’s the whole aspect of disappointing your spouse.
So yeah, I feel shitty right now, and I needed to write it down and get it out. Clearly, sobbing over it wasn’t enough.
